Darkness Falls ex-producer overruns R.A.V.E. production

New director turns once innocent bloodshed pornographic

The filming of episode 27, The Curse of the Night Specter deteriorated into a moral vacuum of smut and obscenity.

Herman denied any devious or immoral intent in the production of his episode: "The cast members have filthy minds, not me--hey Jessamyn, would you hurry up and tie Julie to that bed already? She is 18, right?"

New cast member and sound technician, Nick Parker held great concerns about continuing production despite Herman's questionable purposes.

"Oh man, I sure hope we're
getting this on tape," Parker then proceeded to transfer the tape from the camera to his pants.

Current Darkness Falls co-producer James Willems would not have tolerated a similar situation on his set.

"I'm sure glad he's not trying to pull any of that [poop] on my show," said Willems. "He was mostly harmless last year and only upset a few people by throwing forks."

"I'm thinking of firing the entire cast and playing all the roles myself. Then," Herman actualized, "the kissing scenes could really have a lot of chemistry."

June 29, 2003

R.A.V.E. completes 25th episode

Landmark in show's history nearly destroys computer

Shortly before leaving the dreary shores of the East for the only-marginally-less-dreary shores of the West, writer/director Ryan Rubio oversaw the laborious editing process on R.A.V.E.'s new episode, Brotherhood of the Raccoon.

This is the 25th episode of the series, with a massive, all-star cast, mind-blowing special effects, and incomprehensive script. The centerpiece of the episode, a complex and riveting fight scene that rivals The Matrix, was so intense that the editing system couldn't handle it.

"I've never seen a computer actually have a seizure", said producer David Miller, "except for that time when I was in space. Boy howdy, was that ever a close one."

When asked about the milestone 25th episode, R.A.V.E. creator Harper Gordek replied in a slightly (yet not uncommon) condescending and demeaning manner.

"You call this a milestone?" the enraged STV figurehead wailed, "I could pull a better milestone out of my ass, and believe me I have. And it frickin' hurt."

The current R.A.V.E. cast was slightly more receptive to the episode, but sadly none of them got what it is about. Most of them were quoted as saying that they did it merely to indulge director Rubio on another of his sick power trips, and all acknowledged that in a year's time no one will give a damn.

"It's another goddammed in-joke episode", says Gordek, "and not a very funny in-joke at that." Harper then returned to devising a way of keeping his fledgling gameshow afloat.

 

May 1, 2003

R.A.V.E. wins five awards; brawl, bender follow

Herman bestirs missing R.A.V.E. elements: blood and bloodlust

R.A.V.E. won five STeVies at Student Television's annual awards ceremony, but the excitement did not end there.

The awards, for Best Editing (Dave Miller: Deadly Evil II), Best Fight Scene (Ryan Rubio, Sam Cone, Dan Miller: Deadly Evil II), Best Episode (Chris Baker: The Christmas Chainsaw Massacre), People's Choice Male (Dave Miller) and People's Choice Show, were only a prelude to a night fraught with tension and, later, blood.

"The only thing this awards show lacked was blood," said co-host Dan Schneider.

"Yeah, blood," co-host James Willems added, staring intently at Chris Baker.

After several hours of drinking, the furore reared its head at the post-STeVies celebration. As assistant producer Ryan Rubio hubristicly showed off his Best Fight Scene award, a drunken Drew Herman (producer, Darkness Falls) yelled that Rubio did not deserve the coveted award. Rubio turned, let loose a hellacious uppercut and the brawl was on. The scuffle lasted 27.3 bloody minutes, approximately.

Herman did not win any awards.

R.A.V.E. producer Dave Miller insisted he was not hurt in the brawl because he said he was invincible.

"No one can stop me," Miller yelled, wiping blood and white powder from below his nose with one hand, cradling golden statues in the other. "I'm unstoppable!"

"He's not invincible, you know," added Herman a few moments later. "He's just riding the high of R.A.V.E. winning so many awards."

Herman did not win any awards.

Little blonde girl molested by two scary men

Alex finds himself wedged in another tight spot

Boyd Harris, Alex Cabe (as girl), Dave Miller

It all began last semester when jolly ol' Nick (one Ryan Rubio) simply had to share the seemingly cheerful greeting, "Merry Christmas, little girl!" while passing Alex at his then current acting role

on the set of The Christmas Chainsaw Massacre. Sure, it was all fun and games to everyone else at the time, but little did they know what was to come.

Soon those dreaded words became all too familiar for our hapless hero and UNC freshman, Alex Cabe. What began as a simple joke infectiously spread throughout his everyday life. "Can I help you, m'am?" restaurant cashiers would ask. Of course, upon closer look they would apologize for their mistake: "Oh, sorry--Miss."

The bounds of teasing were overstepped at the STeVies afterparty. While everyone loves R.A.V.E.'s rookie nominee, Alex Cabe, the evening took a frightening turn when Boyd Harris and Dave Miller were photographed adoring said rookie in a comprimising manner.

Dan Schneider glanced up from his overflowing cup long enough to question, "Wait, is Alex smiling?"

Former R.A.V.E.-er Dan Hooper concurred, "Alex is such a camera whore, not even filthy advances can distract him."

Director Chris Baker turned an extraordinarily convincing sickly green with envy. "I'm jealous. It is I who is the 'sexiest tar heel' and I haven't been getting enough action all night!" he tipsily garbled before jetting for the nearest outside bush and heaving the excessive fruit he had consumed.

Baker married two different women that night.

R.A.V.E. founder and STV elder, Harper Gordek, paused at the tragic spectacle. "Oh, the horror," he muttered. "Just stop, and take in the horror."

Harper stood watching a disturbingly long time. Then, a young, helpful individual came and unjammed his walker.

"I may not have won a STeVie, but at least I'm not trying to kiss other guys. That's not very Rogue-like." Drew Herman insisted as he tromped outside to play with his guns and to seek trouble elsewhere.

Director Chris Baker becomes local heart throb

Cast swoons at his mere presence

Chris, above on left.

Blue & White magazine featured "Sexiest Tar Heel" contest winner, Chris Baker, in its special sex issue. The latest campus celebrity promenaded through the UNC-STV studio doors rousing attention and inciting disruption among the ladies and especially the men. "Well, hello there, 'Caressable Cutie'," beamed starry-eyed producer Dave Miller, quoting directly from B&W's widely read pages. Boyd Harris was rendered speechless and unable to comment.

Actresses Skinner and Rettew reverted to female teeny-bopper behavior, blushing and giggling at the slightest glance from hellaciously hot hunk Baker. The girls timidly approached him to ask for autographs. "Oh my gosh, he wrote with MY pen!" an ecstatic Skinner squealed. An envious Rettew begged to cherish the sacred pen resulting in a tumbling, floor-bound, cat fight.

Actor Alex Cabe likened himself to Chris Baker, "Um, I like girls, too."

Chris Baker and other title recipients appeared unclothed--robed only by a hideous zebra striped blanket--for the featured centerfold threesome.

"I never knew how much I wanted Chris until I saw him in that centerfold," dreamily sighed R.A.V.E. assistant producer Ryan Rubio.

"Chris who?" wondered freshman James Willems as he flexed his muscles. "Look, I have biceps."

Tiger Beat and Teen People press representatives arrived to negotiate additional cover contracts. Distracted by Willems' muscular upper-body, Tiger Beat signed him instead. Teen People commented, "Eh dunno, 'Willems' is just so germanic; we think a 'Baker' or 'Smith' would probably make for a better American idol." Twist magazine never found the studio.

Chris Baker could not be reached for comment.

The pornographic image on file can be viewed here.

Disgruntled cast members gripe about excessive dying

"It's as if the director doesn't like our acting or something"

R.A.V.E. cast members, junior Chandler Vatavuk, and rookie sophomore Jessamyn Annis commiserated late one night on the predisposal of their characters to die in every episode. Vatavuk threatened to lend his talent to other shows. Other producers, horrified upon hearing this, begged the succeeding director allow him to survive at least once.

A paranoid Drew Herman, producer of Darkness Falls, uneasily mentioned, "Who, Chandler? Don't let him on my show. He'd probably mess up my weaponry."

"I've died in every episode I've been in thus far! It's like I don't have a reason to live any more," Annis exclaimed when questioned on the consistency of her death scenes. "Ok, fine. So I didn't die in Episode 26. Wait a minute...I wasn't cast in that script!"

Producer and fatherly figure Davie Miller firmly reminded the insubordinates of R.A.V.E.'s stated mission--that of bringing random and senseless violence to local domiciles as comical entertainment. "Your death brings happiness to millions. Well, at least two or three drunk guys who can't find the remote..."

In response to Miller's rebuke, Annis blinked and twirled her hair. Vatavuk muttered something about his superior LSAT scores and meeting the President.

Both cast members obediently agreed to die without complaint in the next episode.

R.A.V.E. actresses comprise bar joke scenario

Girls alienated by Dan Miller's inappropriate humor

"You know, they look like a bad bar joke sitting on the couch together: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead," Dan Miller jeered, gesturing towards Jessamyn Annis, Jennifer Rettew, and Jenn Skinner, respectively.

"I'm the smart one," Rettew giggled as she stuck out her tongue at the other girls.

A very perturbed Skinner shrieked, "I do NOT have a temper!"

Other cast members, unsure of how to respond, looked around at each other.

They also pondered why the girls' names all began with "j."

What? Can't you tell the haircolor in a black and white pic?

Ten minutes later, a baffled Annis softly asked, "Am I the brunt of the joke? I'm confused." To avoid awkward situations at future R.A.V.E. meetings, the girls resolved to sit in a different order on the couch.

March 10, 2003

R.A.V.E. episode stalled by arctic maelstrom

Christmas episode may still make Easter release date

Chris Baker, an up-and-coming cast member, and the writer/director of the episode, is disappointed by this unfortunate turn of events.

"I hate this god damned weather, I hate this god damned state, and I HATE YOU!" Baker yelled from inside a hastily constructed igloo that houses three others.

Meanwhile, R.A.V.E. cast members have managed to occupy their minds by playing with the penguins that have recently begun popping up on campus.

Producer David W. Miller declared, with a cheery demeanor, "This episode will get done by the time that holiday involving eggs and the resurrection of Christ rolls around."

Miller's face was riddled with frostbite.

Deadly Evil episode really just a result of lonely night without women

Director dismisses statement by loudly proclaiming himself a "visionary"

Controversy still rages over the originality of the award-winning R.A.V.E. episode, The Deadly Evil. Some claim director/writer Ryan Rubio and Cinematographer David W. Miller stole the plot from some obscure B-movie while drinking and complaining about not getting laid.

Rumors abound that they were watching a movie titled Evil Dead 2 when one of them casually remarked that the star of the picture, one Bruce Campbell, bore a very slight resemblance to some guy they knew.

And that guy turned out to be the future producer of R.A.V.E., Daniel Hooper.

Dan Hooper, now retired and teaching in Tennessee, had this to say: "Those bastards never told me that. They told me I looked like Cary Grant. Ass-kissing songs of bitches."

When asked about his views regarding these allegations, current producer David W. Miller smashed a beer bottle and crouched into a defensive fighting position.

Deadly Evil writer/director Ryan Rubio addressed the press from atop his balcony. "I don't give a good god damn what you piss-ant yellow journalists believe! All that matters is that I am the most brilliant mind to tinker with the techniques of filmmaking since Orson Welles! I am a goddamned visionary, and I have the awards to prove it. Now get the hell off my lawn, and if I see any more of your ludicrous libel in the papers, I'll have your asses in court so fast your heads will spin!"

Rubio then proceeded to stuff five twinkies into his mouth and go inside.

R.A.V.E Emerges from Period of "Great Darkness"

It was very dark for a spell

The R.A.V.E. website is being updated once again as current producer Dave Miller and resident webmistress Jessamyn Annis begin to divulge what they can from the "Age of Great Darkness" (i.e. the year 2002).

Dave Miller has spent hours pouring over old tapes in an attempt to piece together what went on during this time, from which seemingly very little information survived.

"Looks like it was pretty bleak," says Miller.

"Yep," adds Annis.

Any scraps of information gleaned from these excavations will be posted on this site as soon as possible.