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R.A.V.E travels to Howe, TX, instigates madness

Population paralyzed with fear and laughter

Tapes of several R.A.V.E. episodes were recently sent to Howe, TX, by request of local resident Jennifer Millspaugh. Interested in R.A.V.E. for its comedic value, Millspaugh never dreamed the adverse effect it would have on the townsfolk. "Whenever I got the tapes from North Carolina I was really excited and invited all my friends over for a R.A.V.E. party," said Jennifer dreamily. "We all had a great time; that show is really really funny. But then the killings started."

Increases in violence have been documented in all areas as compared to this time last year. Spontaneous ninja battles are at 114%, internet explosions jumped 79%, and zombie outbreaks have peaked at 97%. The greatest increase has been in muppet homicides, 634 for 2002, an enormous jump from 0 in 2001.

"It is not the violence that frightens me, but the randomness," said Howe Police Chief Roy Hinkle. "Before the R.A.V.E. tapes were shown here, all violence was planned ahead of time, scheduled, and very orderly. Now, there is no rhyme or reason for any of it."

When confronted on Howe's plight, Producer Dan Hooper responded, "A couple R.A.V.E. tapes made all those people flip out? That sounds like a great idea for an episode."

Producer's masculinity in doubt

Is he or isn't he?

Rumors of R.A.V.E. producer Danielle Hooper being "light in the loafers" have been circulating all week after the premiere of R.A.V.E. Episode 21, Mr. Cadaver's House of Treats. In the episode Hooper plays the role of Peanut, a blond, bosomy tranvestite.

"It was just a character in an episode. I was acting, you know...like playing pretend," said Hooper. He also added that the dress, while immasculating, provided excellent ventilation.

Student groups across campus have commended Dani Hooper on his confronting the lack of transvestites in the media, and hope that he will continue along this track. "College is a time for experimentation," said one bearded lady, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Hooper says any plans for revising the role of Peanut are now effectively terminated, and that any awards by the Cross-dressing Coalition (CC) and Association of Women Who Are in Fact Men (AWWAFM) will be openly rejected.

Former R.A.V.E. producer refuses to leave

"That guy just can't take a hint," says successor

"Ok, so like, he was fun to have around at first," Daniel Hooper, new producer of STV's satire/action show R.A.V.E. stammers as he belts his third shot of Wild Turkey in just as many minutes. "Now he's like sleeping on my couch every night. I wake up and he's eating my Cheerios out of the box. MY cheerios! Mine, not yours, mine!"

The end of the 2000-2001 school year marked the end of the producership of Allen Henderson and the beginning of that of a fresh new mind, Daniel Hooper. Or so Hooper was led to believe.

"You know at first I thought he was trying to be nice, like helping me out, showing me the ropes you know," Hooper says, angrily glancing around the room with a sneer frozen on his face. "Now he's like, 'what are we doing today?'. What do you mean WE!? You've graduated school, shouldn't you like, go find a job or something?"

But whether he's facing minor interpersonal problems with former leadership or just hugging his knees on the floor in the corner of his apartment crying, Hooper is still a man with many visions.

"I mean, just go home! Please leave! I-oh my God, I think I heard him. Don't tell him I said any of that," said Hooper, running into the bathroom to splash water on his face to hide his tears in a face-washing facade that has become all too routine for him.

"I think it was just the neighbor...What are you writing on that pad anyway?" Hooper asked our roving reporter.

Yes, one thing is for certain for the future of R.A.V.E., and that's the inquisitive nature of Daniel Hooper.

"I mean really, let me see that pad," said Hooper before a grand jury.

Hooper is truly a man among men.

Former R.A.V.E. producer unlocks Spiderman character on Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2

Completes 100% objectives with a custom character

"There I was, just sitting on Daniel's couch, playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 when BAM, after 30 straight hours of playing, I completed the last objective on the Philadelphia level with my created character," said Allen Henderson with one hand in a box of Cheerios and the other flipping through Daniel Hooper's CD collection.

Completing all objectives with a custom character on THPS2 affords a player the opportunity to skate the streets of New York City or Venice Beach with the amazing Spiderman.

"I mean, check this out, this is so cool. You can pick from four different uniforms. I think the third one is my favorite, the one where he is black and white."

Henderson completed this task by obtaining 250,000 points in a two-minute run on the Philadelphia level. "I didn't realize going to the skate shop gave you better stats or whatever," said Henderson after trying to stifle a beer burp. "And I just bought a bunch of tricks. I think I'm going to try and get all the objectives with every player now and see what happens."

"I can't wait until Dan gets home from work so I can show him," added Henderson.

NINJA! premieres

Thousands are slain, avenged

Episode 18, NINJA!, premiered last Wednesday, slaying thousands of ninja masters. Consequently, thousands of masterless ninja apprentices have sought revenge.

"I will avenge my master," said a ninja. "Oh, me too. That guy is so avenged," added another.

The event was marked, however, less by vengeance and more by bitter bickering about who would avenge their slain master the most. Due to the unexpected numbers of Ronin, or ninja without masters, roaming Chapel Hill, traffic and commerce is at a complete standstill.

The Mayor declared an official ninja emergency in the city of Chapel Hill today.

R.A.V.E.wins a butt load of Stevies

Just a whole freaking butt load

R.A.V.E. picked up four Stevies awards at STV's annual awards ceremony last Saturday. The number four is the official scientific measurement that defines a "butt load."

The show received best writing, best special effects and best episode, all for the Muppet Episode. R.A.V.E. also picked up the butt load of them all, best show.

German entertainment company refuses to sue R.A.V.E.

"Eh," says company lawyer

"We really don't care that they used muppets in their episode," deputy chairman of EM.TV Florian Haffa said Monday, adding, "I'm sure it was a very funny episode."

Director Allen Henderson was reportedly in negotiations with the German company, who purchased the rights to Jim Henson's muppets in early 2000.

"You don't understand," Henderson said, "these really looked like the muppets. We got people to do voices and stuff too. We even called them by their names. You really should consider taking some kind of legal action."

"Mm....Nah..." Haffa responded.

"Oh, come on," Henderson continued.

"We'd really rather not," Haffa remarked, adding, "Please take a baseball cap."

Henderson became enraged. "I don't want a baseball cap, I want you to sit down and think about what I've done!"

After hours of negotiation Henderson left the German office still unclear as to whether or not legal action was going to be taken. "I mean I'd do it...If I were them," Henderson said in an interview with SPIN magazine.

The Muppet Episode was first aired April Fool's Day, 2001.

Release of episode 16 ("The Green Amulet") delayed indefinitely over episode-name controversy

"Green Amulets and Ham" versus "I Think Therefore I Amulet"

Lack of a "proper" R.A.V.E. episode name has delayed the release of the latest episode for at least another month.

"'The Green Amulet!?' What the hell?" said some guy on his way somewhere.

R.A.V.E. nameologists have been working around the clock to produce a name that doesn't cause that guy such disconcertion.

"There's one thing I don't like," said Dan Hooper, resident nameologist, "and that's disconcertion."

The following suggested titles have all been rejected:

Soylent Amulet
You've Got To Hide Your Amulet Away
The Good, The Bad, and the Amulet
Green Amulets and Ham
2001: An Amulet Odyssey
The Contrabulous Contraption of Doctor Amulet
It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Amulet
All Good Elephants Eat Free Peanuts
Amulet History X
The Planet of the Amulets
Escape from the Planet of the Amulets
Conquest of the Planet of the Amulets
Battle for the Planet of the Amulets
The Amulet Strikes Back
Amulet House
I Think Therefore I Amulet

This completely disproves earlier reports claiming the episode has been delayed due to producer-drunkenness.

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