R.A.V.E. EPISODE #5: RAIDERS OF THE LOST PART by Kevin Hanna SCENE 1 FADE IN TO: CU of the supervillainıs watch. It reads ³10:04 AM.² Digital or analog? Then, two BAD GUYS hold the arms of our lone heroes, JACKSON and DAN, in a parking garage (Craig deck). A SINISTER LOOKING FELLOW, dressed in a black trenchcoat, SLINKYMAN, walks into the frame. His face is obscured. SLINKYMAN: Once again, Mr. End, we see there is nothing you possess that I cannot take away. Hand over the part. JACKSON: I guess the School of Supervillains has lowered their standards if theyıre churning out cheap Jason-wannabes like you. He hands him the part nonetheless. SLINKYMAN: And so we enter endgame. DAN: Oh, weıve only just begun. CUT TO: RAVE OPENING TITLES As the credits finish, a title card appears on the screen: APPROXIMATELY 48 HOURS, 42 MINUTES AGO... SCENE 2 FADE IN TO: CU of Danıs watch. It reads ³9:22 AM.² DAN: So what does the Weimar Duchess want to see us about this time? JACKSON: I have no idea. Iım missing the Lewis Parker show for this, so it better be damn important. The door opens and our intrepid heroes enter the room. The DUCHESS is there. She tosses a file folder onto the table. DUCHESS: This is big, gentlemen. How much do you know about cloning? DAN: Cloning?! His features are tense. Clearly, Dan knows a lot...perhaps a little too much. JACKSON: Only what Iıve seen on the Lewis Parker show. SCENE 3 CUT TO: A TITLE CARD‹THE LEWIS PARKER SHOW, 14 days ago. At this, there is a crazy, kooky shift into the Lewis Parker Show... A television monitor shows the set of ³The Lewis Parker Show,² a current affairs program straight out of the Jerry Springer realm. There are two chairs, one with a woman in it, the other a man. LEWIS: Welcome back. Today we are discussing the fascinating new-age technological wonder, cloning. Joining us today are reknowned cloning specialist Dr. Leah Ann Perrin and Dr. Raul Lencia. Welcome. So, letıs get right to it, cloning? Thatıs pretty farfetched, donıt you think? PERRIN: No more farfetched than hooker teens with an IQ of 134. LEWIS: Touché, Doctor. Though you were a fine panelist that day, too. LENCIA: What weıre trying to say is that cloning is a reality. Forget the details, they arenıt important. The fact remains, we can clone people. LEWIS: Tell us about the sheep, Mr. Lencia. LENCIA: Well, ever since I was a little boy, Iıve had this fascination with wool. And one day I decided to experiment... PERRIN: Uh, not that sheep, Lencia. The cloned sheep! LENCIA: Oh...well, we took this ewe and put it into the cloning chamber, the spring of Floozbat cloned it and presto! Double ewes! LEWIS: You turned sheep into letters, amazing! LENCIA: No, no. Double ewes, two ewes, two sheep, one genetic code. LEWIS: You cloned sheep, amazing! LENCIA: The most amazing part is the ease of clean-up. Letıs say you made a clone of someone you didnıt like. All you have to do is push the two clones together and they disintegrate. LEWIS: I find that difficult to believe. PERRIN: Any more difficult to believe than blocks of cheese with famous peopleıs faces contained in them? LEWIS: Double word score, Dr. Perrin! PERRIN: The clones have the same genetic make-up. As a result, they could occupy the same space. This, combined with what we know about spontaneous combustion, leads to the total protonal reversal that effectively disintegrates both the clone and the original. The original is composed of matter while the clone is best described as antimatter. LENCIA: When the two meet, itıs like a wiener on a stick...sure, it sounds like a good idea, but when you finish it, youıre left holding the short end of the stick. LEWIS: Yes, but arenıt there ethical dilemmas here? PERRIN: None whatsoever. LENCIA: Well... LEWIS: Dr. Lencia? Donıt hold anything back...let it out. LENCIA: Iım a clone! Gasps from the audience. Itıs true. Itıs all true. Clones are taking over the world. Dick Clark...cloned every six months. PERRIN: Shut up, Lencia! They begin to grapple and fight. Some cool funky angles. LEWIS: Itıs not even sweeps week! SCENE 2 CONTINUED CUT TO: DUCHESS: Jackson...Dan. This is your assignment. The Clonesmart Building on the outskirts of town was burgled last night. The insurance company has contracted us to regain what was stolen‹a lost part. I want you and Dan down there, pronto. JACKSON: Ummmm...Duchess, we have a problem. You see, Publisherıs Clearing House... DUCHESS: I donıt want to hear your excuses, Jackson. I want to hear results. JACKSON: Oh. It was just a mild bacterial infection. They gave me some antibiotics and everything should be fine. DUCHESS: Not those results, you idiot! Get me the money! And remember, thereıs bound to be competition...thereıs bound to be plenty of raiders for the lost part. SCENE 4 ANOTHER TITLE CARD: APPROXIMATELY 60 HOURS, 13 MINUTES AGO. FADE TO: A closeup on the JANITORıs watch. It reads ³9:51 PM.² The JANITOR is sweeping the floor. A flash of a shadow passes the floor and the JANITORıs face. He turns, startled. But there is nothing. Again, he goes back to sweeping. He hums the Slinky theme song. This is then matched by a hideous voice singing the Slinky theme in off key, jarring, devastating falsetto. VOICE: Itıs Slinky! Itıs Slinky! Americaıs favorite toy! Itıs fun for a girl or a boy! Finally, the camera tracks toward the JANITOR who turns and is wide-eyed. JANITOR: Hileig Coo! What are you? What do you wa‹ahhhhhhh! SCENE 5 CUT TO: Dan and Jackson in Jacksonıs apartment as he packs for a trip. DAN: I canıt believe itıs not butter! JACKSON: Dan, you wonıt be needing that on your trip to the Caymans. DAN: Hey, got milk? JACKSON: I think you can buy that there. DAN: Thanks again for letting me bunk here while my apartment is being fumigated. JACKSON: I canıt believe you won the Publisherıs Clearing House trip. Ed McMahon and Dick Clark. I remember growing up with them... DAN: More relevant and to the point, I should tell you about my experiences with ClonesMart... A TITLE CARD: IN DANıS YOUTH... BUT WE REFUSE TO GIVE YOU A TIME FRAME. DAN flashes back to his youth. Weıre in some sort of medical examination room. DOCTOR: Have you ever donated before? DAN: No, sir. Will it hurt? DOCTOR: (chuckles) No, no. Many of our donors actually find the whole process rather pleasurable. DAN: Oh. Right. DOCTOR: Now, donıt worry. This is just a preliminary test. Weıll only take a small sample of your DNA to determine if your ribonucleic count is high enough. DAN: All right OWWW! Mother of pearl! DAN screams in agony. DAN flashes forward as he continues his story. DAN: They told me my Y chromosome count wasnıt high enough to be a donor. They told me the sample would be disposed of. I was young. I needed the money. DAN grows hysterical. JACKSON slaps him. JACKSON: Get a hold of yourself, man! Itıs in the past. If thereıs one thing Iıve learned in this crazy world of ours itıs that the past never, EVER comes back to haunt you. DAN: Youıre right, Jackson. Well, best of luck on the assignment. Time for some action, Jackson. Iım off for some fun in the sun... DAN exits. At this, a roving band of reporters come up, as do two POLICE OFFICERS. OFFICER 1: All right, Dan. Hands up! OFFICER 2: Where you stashing him, Jackson? JACKSON: Pardon? OFFICER 1: Weıre placing your partner under arrest for the robbery of the stolen part...whatıs it called, Jerry? OFFICER 2: The spring of Floozie...Fonzie... JACKSON: Floozbat. OFFICER 2: Right. Right. JACKSON: Danıs not here. OFFICER 1: Why you lying son of a... youıre harbouring a fugitive. We could bust you as an accessory. They proceed to handcuff him. JACKSON: You donıt have a warrant, do you? OFFICER 2: Ummm... we did... OFFICER 1: Yeah, sure we did... but well... OFFICER 2: Weıve misplaced it... JACKSON: Iıll help you find it. **ALTERNATIVELY: OFFICER 1: But once you invite us in, weıre allowed inside. JACKSON: Isnıt that vampires? OFFICER 2: Vampires or cops... OFFICER 1: Sure, sure... there are many levels to the invitations. OFFICER 2: Like weddings‹you invite everybody, knowing full well that... JACKSON: But I didnıt even invite you in. OFFICER 1: Ah. Well then, weıll have to charge you with just general rudeness, wonıt we. JACKSON: Then book me under an alias of Ann Landers, cause Iım gonna teach you some manners. They fight. JACKSON jumps over his handcuffs (done with some quick editing cuts) and proceeds to beat the living daylights out of them. He snatches their guns and holds it on them, John Woo style. JACKSON: Howıs that for constitutional law, Copper? Once a man invades your home, you can do pretty much anything. He fires. At the end, SKIPPY the paper boy comes up. SKIPPY: Newspaper, Mr. End? JACKSON: Thanks, kid. SCENE 6 CUT TO: Once again weıve returned to the CLONESMART building, motto: ³Clone Smart at ClonesMart.² Jackson is rubbing his head. The janitor has a band-aid over his brow. JACKSON: Are you the janitor? JANITOR: Yah, zatıs me. JACKSON: Jackson End. Iım here about the burglary. JANITOR : Vell, Iıll tell you everything I saw... DR. RABINS, the beautiful and mysterious head of the ClonesMart corporation, enters. Ah, ve meet again, Doktor Jones! RABINS: Actually, itıs Dr. Rabins, Fritz. As for you, the police are handling the burglary. JACKSON: The police? Well, you wonıt be needing me then. After all, the police are probably only thinking about your case. Why, the rest of the city can go to hell in a Calvin Klein designer handbag just so long as they take care of your burglary! Why, I bet even the criminals will stop committing crimes out of deference to your companyıs plight. After all, we wouldnıt want to burden the police with other matters. I mean, if theyıre going to start focusing on just one assignment at a time, I guess Iıll have to patrol the streets single-handedly. (pause) Thatıs sarcasm, baby! RABINS: Thank you. I graduated summa cum laude from Yale. JACKSON: La de da. I quit school at the age of 15 to wander the world and put right what injustices I came across. At least one of us is doing something with their lives. JANITOR: Excuse me, now that weıve established the tension between you two and what will ultimately end up being a deeply personal encounter for you both only to have the subplot dropped by next week, would you like to hear my story? JACKSON: In a minute, old man. Iım working here. So, you like Chinese? RABINS: Perhaps we should stay focused on the job at hand. JACKSON: INSERT YOUR OWN DOUBLE ENTENDRE HERE! JANITOR: I was working as industrious as ever that night. Down the cloning hallway, I heard a noise. As I entered the cloning chamber... JACKSON: Whoa. Hold on there, Mr. Clean. What exactly do you people do here? JANITOR: Iım the janitor. I clean things. Empty the trash, scrub the floor, pour sawdust on the puke... JACKSON: No, no. YOU! As in you all. As in the purpose of this building. What exactly is Clonesmart? RABINS: We clone people. And sheep. Lots and lots of sheep. JACKSON: Ok. Check. Clones. Continue. Flashback to scenes covering the monologue, including sequences the guy couldnıt possibly be privy to. JANITOR: As I entered the cloning chamber, I saw these...these...things fly at me. He had in his hand the spring of Flooz-bat... JACKSON: That the lost part? RABINS: Yes, the Spring of Flooz-bat...thatıs what makes cloning possible. JACKSON: Ok. Check. The spring of Flooz-bat. Continue. JANITOR: These things. They kept losing their form, then regaining their shape. And he was singing. That horrible, horrible song. I cannot get it out of my head. JACKSON: Song? What song? JANITOR: Iım sorry. I do not sing. JACKSON: Ok. Check. Doesnıt sing. Continue. JANITOR: Thereıs not much more to tell. Except that he ran to the file room, opened up drawer 74-A, removed a medium sized, legal manila envelope, rifled through the papers and then burned it on the spot. But that seems hardly worth mentioning. RABINS: Yes. Really not important at all. I should think not. JACKSON: Ok. Check. Not important. Wait a minute. A burned manila envelope? Doesnıt he know that with just a small piece of tape, that envelope couldıve been relabeled and used again? That bastard! RABINS: Yes, but Mr. Jackson, the files are not important. It is the spring of FloozBat that is so important. Without that spring, Clonesmart will crumble. JACKSON: Thatıs where youıre wrong, Doctor. With people like you on staff, Clonesmart can rebuild. JANITOR: Yes! We can do it! JACKSON: Not you, janitor-man. Iıd fire your overalls for lax security measures...and missing a spot. You shoulda wrestled the guy to the ground and beaten the living daylights out of him... and you shoulda used an extra strength double coat on this tiled floor. Like this. Fight scene...as JACKSON shows the JANITOR a thing or two, only to have the JANITOR beat the living daylights out of our intrepid hero. Flash cuts of something or other comical. To be worked out later. RABINS: Oh, well. What you need is some good medical care. I know a good doctor. She smiles. He smiles. The camera pans away and fades to black, as the two get it on accompanied by porn music. FADE OUT TO: SCENE 7 FADE IN TO: JACKSON walking outside the building. Clearly he is up to something for he is dressed all in black, even though it is bright and sunny out. The THUG comes up. THUG: This is my philosophical pathway. I use it to unwind and commune with nature. I want you to leave this pathway. JACKSON: Are you still talking to me? I just want to make it perfectly clear that you are talking to me, arenıt you? THUG: I wouldnıt be talking to the trees...well, not with other people around. (to the tree next to him) No, Iım not ashamed of you. Shut up, Mildred! JACKSON: Can any man truly own a path? For once he has walked it, do not other men walk in their footsteps? History is replete with pathways. What does it take to change the essence of a man? THUG: Time. I need time. JACKSON: So do I, my friend. So do I. I need your help. THUG: I love you, man. JACKSON: Well. O-kaaay. SCENE 8: THE BREAK-IN CUT TO: Shot at Carmichael. 2 GUARDS are chasing the thug around the building. The whole time, the camera is a long shot taken from the street so all we see are the three rushing about at different levels. Entrances and exits. Thatıs what this is all about. Entrances and exits. This goes on for about 30 seconds, at which point, Jackson strolls along through. We next see Jackson in a room with filing cabinets. Perhaps this is shot at STV. In any event, he rummages through the filing cabinets. Some of the cloning files are marked: DICK CLARK, MICHAEL J. FOX and other continuously young-looking folk. There is one marked ELVIS and BOB HOPE...for the greater good. Finally, his hands come across one marked Project: Daniel (last name is obscured by his finger). There is a quick intake of breath. Just then, the guards appear holding the thug at gunpoint. Jackson responds with lightning fast reflexes, charging the guards out of the room and into the hallway. A fight scene ensues, with Jackson brandishing the file folder as a lethal weapon‹paper cuts are killer. The thug has a lemon, with which to squeeze juice into the guards wounds. JACKSON: Whereıd you get the lemon? THUG: I was a boy scout in high school. They messed up your hair. Here, have some gel. JACKSON: Wow. You guys really are prepared. Suddenly, one of the guardıs regains consciousness just long enough to get a shot off. The thug pushes Jackson out...but then SKIPPY THE PAPER BOY ARRIVES and pushes the thug out of the way. SKIPPY: Hereıs the late edition, Mr...AHHHHHH! Skippy takes it in the stomach. Itıs bad. Lots of blood. Jackson cradles the paperboyıs head in his arms. SKIPPY: I wouldıve liked to have seen Cleveland. Promise me something. Promise me youıll go to Cleveland. Promise me youıll have a jelly donut and say, ³That oneıs for my friend, Skippy, the paper boy.... SKIPPY dies. JACKSON: I shall avenge you. SCENE 9 JACKSON is pouring over the file. So is the THUG. It is at this point that we reveal the thug to be...competition! THUG: Iıll be taking that file, Mr. End...and these paperclips...and this pen. Ohh! Rubber bands. JACKSON: Damn. I shoulda known you were too good to be true. Betrayed by a thug...how ironic. A common thief whoıs greatest mastermind is to rip off some office supplies. THUG: I am an exceptional thief, Mr. End. And I will get the lost part. JACKSON: Is that right? Over my dead body! THUG: Thatıs the general idea. JACKSON: Thatıs it. Itıs go time! They fight. There is probably some sort of reference to paper cuts with the manila folder being held like a knife. JACKSON triumphs. JACKSON: Finally! Thus the THUG vanishes into the background, a subplot forever lost in a rewrite. No one ever mentions THUG again. Itıs quite sad really. JACKSON: Damn! This is pointless. Itıs in some kind of code. My only hope is that Wilford is home. He dials the phone and gets a busy signal. Perfect...heıs calling that damn Quaker Oats hotline again. What a loser. SCENE 9A CUT TO: THE SLINKYMAN HIDEOUT--itıs a warehouse, stupid. THUG: Hey, boss! Boss! Look at this...itıs the late edition. The THUG brings a copy of the late edition, stained with SKIPPYıS blood. SLINKYMAN: ³Action Duo in Hot Water‹Jackson End and his partner Dan have been implicated in the burglary of the CloneSmart building.² THUG: Isnıt that great, boss? SLINKYMAN: Great, how? A man spends his whole life attempting to make a name for himself. Where do they get off, stealing all of my press? THUG: But, boss‹you can get off Scott free? Bounty free even! SLINKYMAN: And remain a man without a face...never. This ainıt a Mel Gibson movie. Itıs time for some action! SCENE 10 CUT TO: A bench in a park. WILFORD, the LONE CURMUDGEON MAN, sits, reading the Late Edition. He is waiting for someone. JACKSON: (voiceover) I finally resorted to taping a giant W on our houseıs window to signal Wilford I wanted a meeting...at the usual spot. JACKSON comes into view, walking towards the bench where WILFORD sits. WILFORD: Hello, End. Been a long time. JACKSON: Sure has, Wilford. What have you got for me? WILFORD: Thatıs the trouble with kids today, Jackson. No time for pleasantries. Why, in my day, weıd respect our elders... JACKSON: Sure, sure, Wilford. Youıd walk to school ten miles in the snow uphill both ways. WILFORD: Donıt you backtalk me, Jackson. Can I help it that I lived on a vault line in Yellow Knife? JACKSON: Damn geological phenomenon. And you ate rocks for dinner, and the women were as pure as Columbian coffee. Iıve heard it all before, Wilford. Now tell me something I donıt know. WILFORD: I havenıt had a bowel movement in three days. JACKSON: Whatıs in the file, Wilford? Tell me about ClonesMart? WILFORD: ClonesMart? In my day when we wanted a clone we had to make our own. We didnıt have your modern technology. Your spring of floozbat... JACKSON: Tell me about the file, Wilford... WILFORD: I cannot tell you anything that you do not already know. JACKSON: Donıt be coy with me, old man. If I wanted chinese fortunes, Iıd have gone to Mr. Leeıs Dry Cleaning. WILFORD: Go to apartment 11-C on Wilson. JACKSON: 11-C...Wilson...thanks, old man...Wait a second! Thatıs Danıs apartment! The camera has zoomed on JACKSON, and as it pulls out, WILFORD is gone. WILFORD: (voiceover) Run, Jackson, run. Run like the wind...because in my day we didnıt have sneakers. We didnıt have rubber or leather. We ran in our bare feet...we were tougher back then. Times were tough. Why I remember... SCENE 11 CUT TO: Street sign that says Wilson Street, or apartment door with 11-C emblazoned on it. JACKSON opens the door. Begin rock music montage! JACKSON searches the apartment, finding photos of sheep, springs, that sort of thing. Indeed, we see DAN is quite the Slinky collector. JACKSON: This apartment hasnıt been fumigated! Dan was just using me for free HBO. So thatıs what Wilford wanted me to know. Enter SLINKYMAN, with dramatic lighting. SLINKYMAN: I see Wilford gave you my message. JACKSON: What the‹ SLINKYMAN: Oh, donıt worry. Wilford didnıt know who informed the informant. Your Dan never told you the truth, I assume. JACKSON: My Dan told me enough. SLINKYMAN: No, Jackson. I am your Danıs twin brother! I am Danıs clone. SLINKYMAN removes his mask, revealing his face. It is, indeed, Danıs face. JACKSON: No. Thatıs impossible! SLINKYMAN: Search my face. Your Danıs and mine are one and the same. JACKSON: No. SLINKYMAN: Yes. JACKSON: No. SLINKYMAN: Yes. JACKSON: Maybe so. SLINKYMAN: I will destroy you and your Dan. And together with my love and creator, Dr. Rabins, we will corner the market on generic action heroics. An entire legion of sidekicks sold in bulk discount to any number of adventure and glory seekers in need of second fiddles. And all with this...the lost part, the spring of floozbat. Hah hah hah hah! At this point, DR. RABINS enters. RABINS: Hello, End. How befitting, since, after all, this is your end. She points a gun at him. JACKSON: But, but...last night. You said you loved me. You said it meant something. RABINS: Ah, but it did. In the purely physical sense. JACKSON: Youıre brilliant. Youıre evil. To toy with someoneıs emotions like that. Damn. DAN enters the room in a Hawaiian shirt. DAN: Ah home sweet...what the hell? Confronted with the nightmare image, DAN is obviously confused. Get your hands off my slinky! JACKSON: No, Dan! Donıt touch your clone! RABINS: Touch him, you fool. Touch him! Heıs got your slinky! JACKSON: Thatıs not your Slinky, Dan! Itıs the lost part! Itıs the spring of Floozbat! DAN: The what? JACKSON: No time to explain. Trust me. Give me that. DAN grabs the part. He is prepared to break it. JACKSON: Not so fast, missy. You too cloneboy. One more step and Iıll destroy the lost part. RABINS: Stop. Wait. Back up. Everyone back up. Go ahead, Jackson. Break it. Break it! Send it back to its molecular components. Itıs composed of matter. The only thing that can destroy the spring of floozbat is an antimatter spring of floozbat. JACKSON: Damn these scientists! They have an answer for everything! RABINS: Give it up, boys! You canıt win. She snaps her fingers, and two THUGS appear. Letıs go. DAN: But I havenıt even unpacked yet! RABINS: Donıt worry...cause when youıre dead, you donıt need to concern yourself with lost luggage. I want to make it look like an accident. Two BAD GUYS hold the arms of our lone heroes. SLINKYMAN walks into the frame. His face is obscured. SLINKYMAN: Once again, Mr. End, we see there is nothing you possess that I cannot take away. Hand over the part. JACKSON: I guess the School of Supervillains has lowered their standards if theyıre churning out cheap Jason-wannabes like you. He hands him the part nonetheless. SLINKYMAN: And so we enter endgame. DAN: Oh, weıve only just begun. At this point, an incredible fight sequence occurs, with a hard rockinı soundtrack. However, there are freeze frames occasionally, and it is probably in slow motion a lot to make way for the music, namely the Carpenters singing ³Weıve Only Just Begun.² DAN and SLINKYMAN constantly avoid each other. Occasionally they square off and hesitantly try to poke at each other but always think better of it. There is a gunshot. It is Dr. Rabins. Everyone stops and they look around sheepishly. RABINS: Enough of this. Give me the lost part! SLINKYMAN, who has the part, beings to walk toward her. DAN, with but a momentıs hestiation, runs toward him. DAN: Shut your eyes, Jackson! Donıt look at it! (to SLINKYMAN) You want the lost part. Well come and get it...in hell!! DAN runs into SLINKYMAN and into DR. RABINS. They all disintegrate in a blinding flash of light. JACKSON is left standing agape. JACKSON: Dan? Dan?! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN! Out of the smoke, and the fog, and... OK out of the background, DAN walks up with a frazzled look, smudges on this clothes and face, and smoke emitting from his jacket. DAN: What?! JACKSON: Dan? Dan?! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN! Why arenıt you disintegrated? DAN: Dammit, Jackson, Iım an action sidekick, not a scientist. JACKSON: So what youıre saying is that even though you are matter, he was anitmatter, and Dr. Rabins got in the way, taking the full brunt of the disintegration... DAN: Or Iım the evil clone... He laughs maniacally. JACKSON begins to laugh too. JACKSON: But that would just be silly. FADE TO: END CREDITS